A Visit from St. Mick (Aussie Style)

A Visit From St. Mick (Aussie Style)

(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas, in the land of Oz,
Uncle Jocko was over, you know, the one with the schnoz.
The Fosters were flowing, there was a smell in the air,
We knew what it was, we just didn't know where.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While we put ice bags on top of our heads.
We were waiting for St. Mick, the one with the swag,
Last year he showed up driving a Jag.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Told the wife to check it out before she gets fatter.
Away to the window she flew like a flash,
She must have thought he was bringing some cash.

The moon on her breasts gave me a big thrill,
I had better slow down or I'll be needing a pill.
I went to the window and put on my socks,
To my surprise, I saw a beer wagon towed by eight tiny crocs.

The driver was bent over, he seemed to be sick,
I knew in a moment - It must be St. Mick!
They were crawling real slow, they must have been lame,
He was slurring his words as he called them by name.

"Now Ripper!, now Gripper!, now Poofter and Vixen!
I'd remember the rest, if I wasn't so Blitzen!
To the top of the porch and over the walls,
If you can't fly any higher, I'll rip off your balls!"

So, up to the housetop the crocodiles flew,
With a wagon of Vegemite - and St. Mick, too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the wall,
The scraping and scratching of each tiny claw.

My head was spinning, I was feeling quite moldy,
When St. Mick waltzes in, drinkin' a coldie!
He was all dressed in leather, but his clothes were all wet,
It was hot out tonight, he smelled like Goana sweat.

A bundle of Beer he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a swagman just opening his pack.
His eyes, they were bloodshot! His sneer, how scary!
His cheeks and his nose were as red as a cherry;

"St. Mick!", I exclaimed, "Have you got something for us?
I've been drinkin' all night, my right leg must be porous!"
With a shake of his head, drool sprayed from his lips,
He spotted the women and grabbed for their hips.

He missed with his grab and went straight back to work,
He filled all the beer steins; then turned with a jerk,
And sticking his finger inside of his nose,
Blew out a big one that scared off some crows.

He fell into the wagon and broke some of the booze,
And away they all flew like they were chased by some roos.
We had enough coldies for our party to liven,
"Happy Christmas to all, and don't you go driven'!"

tlc - 1991

What kind of reindeer are you?

This is what kind of reindeer I am...

You Are Cupid

A total romantic, you're always crushing on a new reindeer. Why You're Naughty: You've caused so much drama, all the reindeers aren't speaking to each other. Why You're Nice: You have a knack for playing matchmaker. You even hooked Rudolph up!

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Strange, Wierd & Funny Quotes

I've collected these quotes over the years and I just wanted to share them with the world... there is no rhyme or reason for them, they just are what they are. Use them wisely if you dare.

"Getting beat by an 8 year old is brutal." - Ken Coates 11/27/05 while playing bumper pool with Will & Katie. Katie said it would be brutal to get beat by a 3 year old.

It's not necessarily necessary! 10/87

What is two days to a sheep?

I'm not loafing, I work so fast I'm always finished

I might make mistakes, but I'm never wrong (GW Bush might be able to use this one)

Cogito Ergo Ludo (I think, Therefore I Play) 1991

"In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshet, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had 500 years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock." -- Orson Welles as Harry Lime, "The Third Man" 1949

"We're going to end up somewhere we're not going to be in." - Larry McMahon 3/8/91

Terminalogical Inexactitude - Alexander Haigspeak for lying

Who needs truth if it's dull? - Mason Williams "The Exicting Accident"

"Round up the usual suspects!" - Claude Raines in Casablanca

When it comes to stepping on each other's toes, they're going to look back at the other guy to get off their back - Joe Granville 1985

The only rule is: ANYTHING GOES! - Frank DiPaola 6/86

In the Eiger Sanction - George Kennedy: "What are you going to do about him?" -- Clint Eastwood: "Something massive."

Back off man! I'm a scientist - Bill Murray in Ghostbusters

In life, there's dumb and really dumb. The difference is pictures

You're rather attactive for a beautiful girl with a great body - Chevy Chase in Caddyshack

Persona Au Gratin & Serpintine Intelligence

I'm old, I can talk as long as I want!

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

The future just isn't what it used to be - Pogo

We can have archaic and eat it too!

Levels of Management
1) Gofer
2) Scapegoat
3) Bagholder

What's my name?

What is your quest?

Right now, I'm having amnesia and Deja Vu at the same time.

Never get into a fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose.

Don't act like you know what's going on.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. - George Carlin

Never follow a truck with fish decals.

Bob Hope in Paleface...
He draws from the left, so lean to the right.
There's a wind from the east, so aim to the west.
He crouches when he shoots, so stand on your toes.

Being well dressed is like being six feet tall. You either are or you aren't and there isn't much you can do about it.

Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.

If you work moderately hard, you'll find a lot of people aren't working as hard as you.

Don't believe everything you read in the newspaper, but keep in mind that most of it is true.

If you can't afford the expensive one, don't buy it.

Aloha Suckers! - Steve McGarrett Hawaii 5-0

If nothing goes wrong, it's not a problem. 1988

When you shoot from the hip, it's easy to shoot yourself in the foot.

There are two ways of doing things - My way and the wrong way.

If people won't do it, no one can stop them.

Before I heard it, it sounded pretty good - Ken Coates

From the Big game on Nov. 20,1982 that ended with "The Play":
Gordy Cersino: "I don't want to be sour grapes, but I am."
Brent Musberger: "Get that trombone player!"

If you have a woman for a friend, you'll end up drunk and kissing your dog.

To be successful, you have to do something every day. -- Nolan Bushnell (founder of Atari)

They were below sub-par! Mike Viramontes 12/88

I can never get enough garlic in my life. - Waitress at Quinn's Lighthouse

If the Jamaican Pirates don't get you, the cold embrace of the sea will and that's no lover's kiss. -- Romer Treece (Robert Shaw in "The Deep")

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbably, must be the truth -- Sherlock Holmes ("The Sign of the Four")

It's casual to the most obvious observer.

Nothing in life is worth going crazy.

I'm putting it through it's ropes.

The first time only happens once.

Take me to the tree! - crap player in Reno on a roll looking to hit another point

We have met the enemy and he is us - Pogo

That was then, this is now.

The swab you deck may be yourself.

If the shoe fits, you're lucky - Malcom Forbes

It was a mental strain on my body - Sugar Ray Leonard (middleweight boxing champ)

Leave it to the experts - Ken Coates

If the truth hurts, make him wear it - Motto of the Blunt Instrument 1979 Oregon St. - Ken Coates

When in doubt, don't - Ken Coates

No matter what happens here, the future lies ahead.

Haul ass! Haul ass! - The Commodore in the brutally wierd "Popeye" movie

"This may defy the laws of gravity, but I've never studies law." - Bugs Bunny

Hurricanes vs. Riots

1. If Saddam could have gotten nukes, we and the whole world would have been in massive trouble, so we're lucky he was unsuccessful and we don't have to ever worry about him any more, so we are better off
2. Scooter Libby is a big fat liar and he lied because it was very close to the election, he wanted to delay things and I think he didn't know that Fitzgerald would go so hard on the reporters and he thought he could get away with it
3. it's a really bad idea to tell anybody without secret clearance top secret info and those who do that, whether it's officially a crime or not, should lose their secret clearance. there should be a new law that says that and it's hard to believe that part of keeping your secret clearance doesn't already include that
4. I'm 100% sure that no POTUS would ever lie to get us into a war. I do think that Bush should have been more cautious and that Rummy was and still is the big problem because of his lame planning and Bush should have accepted one of his resignations.
5. Unless somehow, which seems impossible now, before 2008 the Israel/Palestinian problem in the West Bank is fixed, history will show that Bush wasn't a very good president. I just can't see anything good coming in Iraq.
6. I read in today's paper that they are finally using US troops to seal the Syrian border. more dumb planning. that should have been done a year ago when they realized that all these foreign fighters were coming in.
7. I'm still happy Kerry didn't win, which might also be ironic. if he hadn't been moronic, he might have won.
8. I'm waiting for a Presidential candidate with the following platform: The goal of the USA will be that within 10 years, we will not import one drop of Mideast Oil. We will only subsidize Big Oil for Canadian Tar Sands research to lower the price to directly compete with crude. We will drill in ANWAR, but also raise CAFE standards. Go forward with a Manhattan style program for wind, solar, tidal and other non-foreign sources of power. Fully fund stem cell research to compete with the Koreans and the rest of the world (it's going to be embarrassing if some other country discovers a cure for diabetes or helps people with spinal cord injuries and we've restricted the research, not to mention very costly).

Notary Sojack

I passed the California State Notary test and I am commissioned by the Secretary of State as of 18-Oct-05. I used my new fax printer for the first time today and that worked perfect...

I'm taking the oath of office tomorrow, just like the Prez and then after I file some paperwork, I'm official.

Texas Hold Em Poker

This is my new look when playing poker

I don't know if it will help, but it couldn't hurt. They are called Oakley Crosshair, so you better watch out because I can see you, but you can't see me. The eyes are the window to the soul and with these glasses on, while playing poker, my soul is a mystery...

the lost 'lost' promo

Click here for the Lost dancing promo from Australia

here is the secret Lost script page that was hidden on the Oceanic Airlines web site.

Lost - the TV Show and the Secret Messages

Who else got the Lost newsletter from ABC? Did you find the 2 secret messages and the crumpled up page of future script? What do you know about a Mapinguari? Let me know if you need help finding the secrets.

Oceanic Air Web page


Dear Frequent Flyer -

Welcome to Oceanic Airlines -- and thank you for signing up for a weekly bulletin from the writers of "Lost."

We have just reconvened to begin work on Season 2 of the series - after some much-needed vacation and a highly eventful first year that began with the crash of Oceanic Airlines 815 and literally ended with a bang as Jack, Locke and Kate blew open the mysterious hatch while young Walt was kidnapped by The Others... and yes, they were The Others!

As we set out to dramatize such mysteries as the contents of the mysterious hatch and the uncertain fate of Michael, Sawyer and Jin, last seen treading water among the burning remains of the raft -- we thought you might want to know the writers who will be responsible for bringing you the answers -- and a whole lot of new questions -- during the second season.

In addition to series creators J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse returns as executive producer. "Lost" is a reunion for Cuse and Lindelof - who worked together on Cuse's creation "Nash Bridges" (Cuse also created "Martial Law" and co-created "The Adventures of Brisco County Jr"). Before co-creating "Lost," Lindelof served as writer/producer on "Crossing Jordan."

New additions to the staff include co-executive producer Steven Maeda, whose previous credits include "The X-Files" and "CSI: Miami," supervising producer Craig Wright, who previously wrote for HBO's "Six Feet Under," and producer Elzabeth Sarnoff, whose previous credits include "Deadwood" and "Crossing Jordan."

Returning from season one are supervising producers Leonard Dick, whose credits include "Fastlane" and "Hack," Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz, formerly of "Felicity" and "Popular," and Javier Grillo-Marxuach who previously wrote on "Boomtown" and "The Pretender."

With this team in place, you can be sure that "Lost" will pack on the surprises on year two. As a Frequent Flyer, you will receive regular updates from the writers room -- so watch your inbox...

...and thank you for getting lost with us!

Penguin Nightmare vs. the March of the Penguins

Emporer Penguin Nightmare

This is a video talking about my Emporer Penguin nightmare. I made it for a TV show that never came into existance as a audition tape.

Now some crazy French guy made a movie about Emporer Penguins called March of the Penguins and there are scenes that duplicate my nightmare which I haven't had for over 10 years. It's very creepy, but funny. I'm not sure if I'll be able to watch the movie.

here is a link to the movie trailer.
March of the Penguins movie trailer

TLC Rule of Three

The TLC Rule of Three states: if you get 3 questions on the same subject , then everyone really wants to know and if you want to prevent the 4th question, you better answer the question and tell everyone. "One, two, five!" -- Arthur, MontyPython and the HolyGrail

April 6th - the day I said no to Gastric Bypass surgery

I'm going to start posting all the details about my experiences in losing weight.